June 23, 2019: tHE FANTOM F THA CHICAGO PART 2: tHA CHI-SHANK REDEMPTION mY DUDES
WHAT THE FUKK IS UP MY DUUUUUDES!!!
It’s ur boi, The Fire Killa aka Topp Dog 2 Cute aka Universal Soldier aka F to the muthafuccin K aka These Next-Level Biceps Have Never Quit For Even A Fuckin Second Since Creation!
Sorry Its ben a minute since ive reported in. Teh chicago public Library computers always got idiots using them. Luckiluy i found one with a little kid doin math homework or somethin on it and told him to beat it.
Well boyz, have i got a story for u. It all began about a month ago when one of my boiz told me that roger ebert got iced. I waz like “yo now that this dude is ded who the fuck is doin movie reviews?” Thats when it hit me boys, the moive review racket was wide open and who better to take the throne then your boi Good Looking But Will Whip Ur Azz? So lately ive ben rentin movies from the lbrary and writin reviews. Its ben tough so far but its only a matter of time before im topp dogg of thgis shit u feel?
Anyways one of the moveis i rented was that flick “Shame”. I thougt 2 mysef, this thing is all about sexxx. There should defintily be some solid juggz in it u feel? Well, I’m sure u boyz know where im headed wit this...
Holy fucking shit my dudes. I didnt kno what hit me. I was chillin drinkin and watchin the flicc when all the sudden not two minites in Fassbender is naked. I was like “damn look at that bush. Yo whats that thing wanging around betw… HOLY FUCK IS THAT HIS COCK?!?!?.” I started pouring sweat. I must have rewound it 50 times. Boys, im sorry to say. Fassbender is a fuckin stallion.
As u guys no i hav a huge fuckin cock that is extremely pleasurble for the ladies. But man, one look at Fassbenders cannon had me out cold. I immedietly killed the fith of Stoli birthday cake vodka i was sippin on and went out and bought a handle of spiced rum and a bottle of asprin to finish the job.
It was a dark time boys but i survived and when i woke up the net day covered in vomit i relised one thing. I had to go back.. back to where IT ALL STARTED...
Where i first encountered the FANTOM OF THA CHICAGO!
I loaded up my back pack with everythin I thougt i woud need. Pocket knives, a road flare i found, two fiths of Malibu, a bag of doritos, a nintendo ds i took from some kid at the library etc. Now that i was prepard phisically all i had to do was prepar mentally. Before i left i smoked a gram of the loudest weed available in the chi, took 3 blotters of some dumpy acid i got for free and downed an eighth of mushrooms.
Now i kno that Bethany told me that it was the mushrooms that made me freak out last time but the way i loook at it, Live by tha sword fukkin die by the sword, u feel?
Off I went back to the soth west suburbs. I’ve ben a little light on cash latly so instead if takin my cutlass classic i hoped on my bike for the journy. It was a motherfucker riding the highways on a bmx but hey boys i’m the official chicago correspondant for supderstitious ami right? I had a srious title 2 live up 2, no pain kno gain.
Well i’ll tell you this, I couldnt relaly remember exactly where the forest preserve was on account of last time i was pretty lit but after a whle the acid started kickin pretty hard and i reelaized i needed to get som food in me. I looked around and decided i was probably close enouf to where i seen teh fantom last time and pedaled down an off ramp from the highway.
After about 10 minuts i seen a McDonalds and made a beeline for it. I whipped out a little badge i made that says “superduperstiotious offical correspondant” and busted in that place.
Now just so you kno, i loook like a perfect cross between the brutal and chiseled Dolf lundgren and the beautiful andd supple Johnathan taylor Thomas (home improvement era obviously). And when i sing i sound exacty like Omarion (i kno this sounds too good 2 be true but many babes have confirmed this, i promise). I have an 8 pak of abs and my body seriously looks like a T-800 terminator. So imagine the people in micky D’s when i busted in with my badge and yelled “OFICIALL BIZNESS, FUCK BOI’S!!!” haha it was awesome.
Anyways the whole place started swirlin pretty bad and shit started turnin colors so i new i neded to eat. I ran up to tha counter sweatin like a pig from the ride and was about to place my order but when i opened my mouth a little puke came out. Those mushrooms were havin a fuckin telethon in my stomach boys, u feel?
After my yak i felt better and was like “cheeseburgers” to the lady at the counter. SHe said somethin but i didnt here her. Soethin had caught my eye. I turned to look and their before me was, u guessed it, none other than the PANTOM OF THA CHICAGO!
I was immeditlay like “WHAT THA FUCC R U DOING INSIDE!?!” but it said nothin. This motherfucker was ice cold. It looked way different than i remembered it. It had red hair and a white face and it was whearing yellow overvalls it was also way less hairy than i remember and looked much more plasitcy but i used my scientific deduction that it probalby metamorphasized like a power ranger, u feel? . I was like “YO WHY R U WEARING CLOTHES MY MAN?!” Nothing. This thing just stood there like a statue str8 from the depths of H-E-Hockeystick u feel?
Let me tell u boyz i waz scared as hell but just than a liittle kid went running up to this thing yelling “ronald” or something. Thats when i new lives were at steak.
I ran in between the fantom and the kid and got there just in time. I launched that little kid as far as i could and was like “SAVE URSELF, MY MAN!!” I turned bak to face mu opponent.
Than i went 2 work.
As u know i am fucking stakked wit muscle. If Dahmer got me he would have ben chowin down on me for a fuckin year u feel? Well boys lets just say that every pund of musce i hav was used on the PHAMTOM. I fucking wrecked that thing bois. I lit it up with a barrage of fist and elbow strikes directly to its dicc. This bastard was tough though and its skin was hard as hell. After a wile my fist were starting to bruise up. But i heard a bunch of people screamin behind me and i knew i was here for a higher cause. I finally grabbed the thing by the head and pulled it as hard as i culd. The thing was no shit so tough it felt like it was screwed in2 the ground.
I started kickin it Van Damme style and finally it fell over. I stood over the Fantom triumphant just as police lights flickered from outside. Now i dont kno about u boys but one of my personal policies is when the police arrive i get gone fast. I grabbed a couple of cheeseburger off a table and ran out the front door. The cops were just getting out and they were like “hey dont move!” I grabbed my superduperstious badge with a cheseburger in my hand and showed it to them and was liek “ThE BAD GUY’S INSIDE BOYZ, DONT THANK ME ITZ ALL A PART OF THE JOB!!” they tried to chase me but i was on my bike and off into the night like the fantom himself!
I ducked around some side streetz for a while to lose the coppers and ended up right by a bar. I thought to myself i might as well grab a victory drink. And thats when i saw her.. BETHANY. Now if you remember last time the phantom fuckin ate her and then shit her out as a covert agent who worked for it.
I was about to be like “ I KILLED YOUR MASTER!” when i seen she was drunk as a skunk. There was a couple guys fuckin sweatin her big time whick is usuallly no big deal, shes a big girl and can take care of herself, u feel? But then i saw dude grab her arm agressive like and she pulled away and i new she was in trouble.
Now i know weve gone over this but i am extremely tough as well as built like a fuckin rhino (the strength, not the look. my body is shaped like a gods for the ladies and I have a penis that bruises my knees when i walk.)
Anywasy I walk up to these bros and bethany sees me and shes immedietly like “shawnwayne!” I was like “dont call me that, my man.” she hugged me which just goes to show how desperate she was to get away form these guys. I fuckin staired these guys down ice fuckin cold. They were like “who the fuck are u? and i was like “yo fuck boi, u cool? I c u kissin on this chick who dont want it. Why dont u try kissin on a guy that can beet the shit out of u?” the guy was like “what?” and that was enough for me. I lit em up.
Lets just say the fire killa was on fir that night! I tossed those guys up pretty hard. When all of them were out cold I was like “yo lets get out of here, my man” to bethany and she was down. I told her to wait by my ride. I quickly robbed one of the bros on the ground and came up with 18 bucks and guess what else? Ur never gonna believe ur boi. Another fucking bag of shrooms! I been swimmin in this shit lately.
Good thing my bike has pegs on the back tire. She jumped on and we were off. It was slow goin but evetually i gat bethany’s drunk ass home safe. She fell off the pegs like 80 times. It was hilarius.
Well thats it boys! Another one for the books. I think we can finally put the FANOM OF THE CHICAOG to rest once and for all.
I seen u guys have a patreon now thats sicc. ONce i sell these mushrooms off ill have a ltlle loot to donate. Which reminds me, if anyone is looking for shroms hit my line. I Got a new number (area code) TIT DICK got too hot. I had to drop it. New number is (area code) 824 7827 which spells VAG STAR which is also pretty cool.
I got some great ideas for shirts like one that says “RODS IS BUGS” adn another that has a picture of my face that says “I killed the phmtom of the chicago and all i got was this shitty t-shirt” hahaha that one kills me every time i think about it. And i been thinkin there is some dough to be had with this patreon shit. Picture this, We lure the listeners in with these sicc shirts then once theyer behind the paywall its just me with a baseball bat like “Yo, stick em up nerds.” I shake em down and make off with cold hard cashand we split it 3 ways u feel? Somethin to think about at least..
Welp thats it 4 me boys! if either of you want mushrroms id be glad to barter for some doppe behind the paywall outakes, u feel. until next time be safe, stay spooky and if you ever see michael fassbender comin down tha street fuckin run.. Trust me.
Official Superduperstitious Field Correspondent - Chicago Division