March 22, 2019: phantom of the chicago my dudes


What the fuck is up my dudes!

Yo long time listener out of Chi-town. u guys are fuckin hilarius. Jake my man, u ben talking about the phantom of the chicago for a while and I thought that I would share this little tail with u.

Now to start off, i am a fucking badazz. I lift weights like a motherfocker and can crush full beer cans wit my head. (try that shit man it is no joke and really hurts to.) my friends call me many different names like Fire Killer (cuz i ate a lit match one time), Biggest Dick Guy (like I have the biggest dick not that I am the biggest dick, u feel?) and Good Looking But Will Whip Ur Azz. My real name is Shawnwayne Kulisouskis but I think my othernames are better so i go by those, u feel? I think my dad was trying to name me after John Wayne but he really shit the bed on that one on account of him being foreign as hell and probably drunk at the time. He is like a shopoholic, but for alcohol u feel?

So anyways i am extremely tough have a huge penish and am also extremey good looking for the ladies. It just so happens that I was chillin wit three extremley fine babes on that fateful evening. We were just chillin by a lake drinking a fith of malibu in a forest perserve in the south west suburbs. Now i usually dont go out of the city. I’m Chi-town for life. I gott it tatted in three diferent places but the babes live out their so what u gonna do u know?

It was past park hours and gettin dark but I dont fuck wit rules so fuck it. We werre jus hangin smokin and drinking when all the sudden we heard a rustle from the trees nearby. The babes started cluckin about it and I new I had to step up. I’m scared of nuthin and extremely well built so I walked over to the bushes and was like “hELLO”. The bushes rustled again. It was dark as hell by this point so i walked in a little closer. One of the babes bethany started to follow me in. I told her to cool her jets because this is grade a man shit. She didn’t listen becasue she a idiot.

I got in a little closer and saw some fur. I thought first it must be a dogg. I poured a little malibu out on the ground by it to show that I was cool. But when I said “yo take a shot brother” the fucking thing turned around and let out a huge yell!

Its body was huge and covered in black fur. My first instict was to see if it had a cock. I looked down and saw that it had a giant bush and it either had a real tiny dick or a huge vagina, i am unsure (sorry to let you down). Its eyes were red as hell not red like from smoking loud weed but like they were glowing. Its face was very rat like but it had wings. Now I know that things like spiders, rats, beetles and cockroches are all clasified as bugs but let me tell you this was one fucked up bug my dudes.

Anyways this thing starts hollerin like a fuckin comanche and I scream at it like “yo use your library voice!”. The thing climbedup to the top branch of a tree faster than a damn fireman going down a firepole but in reverse. It keeps yellin at us and the babes are fuckin losing itbut not me due to my extreme toughness/coolness under pressure. The thing then spread its wings and tried to take off but one of them was crumpled up kinda and it fell like a rock to the ground and stopped moving.

I thought a fall like that would ice it for sure and started to take my huge dick out to peepee on it. All the sudden it pops up and starts comin towards us bitchin and wailin like a sonofobich. I immedietly grabbed bethany and launched her at the thing out of self defense. I’m pretty sure it ate her but I wasnt gonna stay around to find out u feel me? I turned nad ran but right away i tripped and fell and scraped up my hands and knees pretty bad. That put me pretty much down for the count. I screamed to the other babes to come help me. I was gonna toss them to this thing so it would eat them before me but they wer already long gone.

I got ut my phone and diled 911. They picked up and were like “whats ur emergency” and I was like “THERE’S A GIANT FUCKIN BUG EATING MY FREINDS!!” one thing that you should know is that when I first got my phone I tried to get the number (area code) 244-3425 that spells BIG DICK on the key pad. Unfortunately that number was already taken. The only one they had that was close was (area code) 848-3425 which is TIT DICK which is also pretty cool and close enough so I took it. Well the 991 lady did not know this information and when I kept telling her to call me at tit dick she hung up. I bet the lucky mother fucker that gots BIG DICK doesnt even know it.

It looked like that was it for ur close friend The Fire Killer. I was making my peice with G.O.D. and tryin to kill the bottle of malibu when suddenly i saw a flash of bright lights! A forest ranger came and shined his big search ligt on me! The light must have scared the thing away bacause when I looked around it was gone. The police got out of his car and was like “hey come here” and thats when I realized it was dark and i wasn’t aloud there. I thanked the good man and took off into the forest like a motherfuccer and that was it.

The next day i was so freaked out I didnt know what to do. I was even more freaked when I sw bethany alive and well. I went to her and was like “yo what the fuck happened how did you survive my man?” and she was like “Shawnwayne u idiot, your never aloud to take mushrooms again.” I was like “what the fuck are you talking about my man?” and she was like “yeah, u ate like 6 ounces of mushrooms becasue u sadi they dont do shit to you (which they dont buy the way) and then u started losing ur shit over a lawn chair some guy left at the park.” I was like “word?” and she was like “serioulsy, you pushed me into it and then fell over trying to run away. It really hurt.”

I dont believe her for shit. First and formost mushrooms seriously dont do shit to me. Mind over madder my dudes. That bitch got eaten by the thing and now she fucking works for it. Defintily a conspericy. Let that bro lon strickler know that I’m down for an interview and for a hundred bucks i will take him to the place but he better be armed to the teeth because fuck that u know?

Anyways thats my story boys and I hope this email finds both u bros doing solid. Let me know if u guys are ever in chicago. I would love to tear it up with u guys and u guys alway got a place to stay if u dont mind the ymca. I got a bottle of bacardi razz that I have been saving that we can go to town on ( i ususally save that stuff for the babes but every now and then I treat myself) or if your are lookin for something more pussy I have a 2011 Poggio di Sotto Brunello di Montalcino I can dust off.

Let me know and keep up the good work. I will be your eyes and ears on the ground in the Chi. And please warn ur listeners that chicago is dangerous and if my story can do any help n saving others it will be my fucking honor. If there is one thing to take a way from this expreience it is this.

Fuck bugs.

Ur boi,

Fire Killer Kulisouskis

Jacob Withee